The following is an e-mail I sent to my dear friend (and Sister in Sappho!), Alicia, on Dec. 27th, 2012:
But first, a bit of background: Shortly before Kaylan and I started dating, his favorite Grandfather (a man he loved with full conviction) died while playing golf (his favorite past-time.) After we started dating, Kaylan stored some of his things in my large garage, and one of those things was his Grandfather’s golf clubs. Suffice it to say, they held tremendous sentimental value to him. Months later, Kaylan and I broke up on amicable terms and remained friends. The fact that he left some of his belongings in my garage wasn’t a big deal. I’d keep them safe for him until he returned to collect them. About a year later, Kaylan moved from Birmingham, AL to Washington, DC with his next boyfriend, Keith. Some of Kaylan’s things were left behind, the golf clubs among them.
Here’s the text of the e-mail to Alicia:
The response from Michael regarding a request to Kaylan to spend half an hour talking to me while we were both back in B’ham for the holidays:
"He said no and for me to stop sending such requests to him"
Later in the day, my sister and I went to the movies to see Les Miserables, and we had about 30 minutes to kill, so I told her the whole story. (This is something I don’t do often…share painful experiences with my family…but I want my sister and I to be closer.) She listened and she had the same great advice and observations that you, Miss Carter, Ingrid (my therapist) provided. (Note the absence of anything helpful from Michael.)
My sister said (in summary):
1. Hurt people hurt people
2. I should have burned the golf clubs. (Steven said the same thing.) If they were that important to him, he never would have left them behind. It’s likely that he used them to control me. After all, i was the one who delivered them to Michael’s house. Kaylan didn’t send anyone to pick them up from me, and none of his friends offered to pick them up for him.
3. Kaylan seeks relationships with people who control him. When they dump him, he calls me because he can control me and feel empowered until someone else comes along who will control him, at which time I am of no use to him.
4. Dana and Ingrid both said he was a classic Borderline personality. Dana went on to say that someone with BPD is the last person I should ever be involved with because I want give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and I want to see the good in people, and Borderlines seek out and FEED on people like me.
5. Dana kept a running tally of all the lies he told me over the years since our breakup and she’s convinced that the primary reason he wont talk to me is that he doesn’t know what he told me and what he didn’t. She went on to say that his pattern of compulsive lying almost certainly existed when we were dating. She said that everything he told me when we were a couple (everything that I implicitly believed) was more likely to be false than true, and I would never really know what was true (if anything.)
6. She said he’s a hot mess and not worth another thought.